Tuesday, 26 June 2012
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GODDAMNED BULLSHIT
I'm fucking trapped here. I don't know how to get out, and I'm just fucking trapped. I have these overtures to generosity, and I've been cut off from my friends, and these people telling me they're my family are driving me insane. Nothing's how it's supposed to be, and there's all this additional stress. HOW IS LIVING HERE MORE STRESSFUL THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
The Dream from Last Night
So, I had a dream last night. A dream I'm not totally comfortable discussing the specifics of. A dream which has been bothering me all day, and making me sad to be awake.
What I remember of the dream starts with me in a quiet closed place where I was free of worry and was at peace. I was surrounded by people I liked and enjoyed the company of at all times. I could talk to them without fear of judgement, and they could do the same. Even though this was all true though, I was sitting off to myself while others in the small room had coupled off. Or more than coupled. I was the only one that stayed to themselves, and if I was quieter than the others or slower to speak up, nobody minded. I was happy to be by myself and be comfortable and happy. As time went on, that just got better. Happier and more comfortable. Things were very good.
Then an opportunity for something showed up. It seemed like things would be better for me if I took it. So I did, and things changed. I went from being alone in a room of like-minded people, keeping to myself for the most part, but happy to be accepted, to being alone. Just alone. And for a half of a second, things seemed better, but I realized I'd been tricked. And I tried to claw my way back to the other place, but there was no way to get back there. And worse, the more I tried, the more I destroyed the last vestiges of happiness that I'd still managed to hold on to. It was better to curl in on myself and cry.
And then my dream started to flick back and forth between that and what I think was either an episode of Voyager, or something to do with the Voyager cast. It was odd. Dreams are weird. Sue me.
I'm not saying anything about how this dream might relate to current goings on. I just needed to type it out, because it was bothering me to keep it in. I'm glad I started this new place, so I can keep this for my personal benefit. This isn't really something though I want to have to comment on at all. Plus if I get asked six months down the line, I will have long forgotten of this anyways. Please don't bother asking.
Maybe I should keep a record of my dreams on this blog.
What I remember of the dream starts with me in a quiet closed place where I was free of worry and was at peace. I was surrounded by people I liked and enjoyed the company of at all times. I could talk to them without fear of judgement, and they could do the same. Even though this was all true though, I was sitting off to myself while others in the small room had coupled off. Or more than coupled. I was the only one that stayed to themselves, and if I was quieter than the others or slower to speak up, nobody minded. I was happy to be by myself and be comfortable and happy. As time went on, that just got better. Happier and more comfortable. Things were very good.
Then an opportunity for something showed up. It seemed like things would be better for me if I took it. So I did, and things changed. I went from being alone in a room of like-minded people, keeping to myself for the most part, but happy to be accepted, to being alone. Just alone. And for a half of a second, things seemed better, but I realized I'd been tricked. And I tried to claw my way back to the other place, but there was no way to get back there. And worse, the more I tried, the more I destroyed the last vestiges of happiness that I'd still managed to hold on to. It was better to curl in on myself and cry.
And then my dream started to flick back and forth between that and what I think was either an episode of Voyager, or something to do with the Voyager cast. It was odd. Dreams are weird. Sue me.
I'm not saying anything about how this dream might relate to current goings on. I just needed to type it out, because it was bothering me to keep it in. I'm glad I started this new place, so I can keep this for my personal benefit. This isn't really something though I want to have to comment on at all. Plus if I get asked six months down the line, I will have long forgotten of this anyways. Please don't bother asking.
Maybe I should keep a record of my dreams on this blog.
The New Place to Vent
Since moving home, I've come under more scrutiny than in years previous. Thusly, I'm somewhat worried about putting my usual stuff up at Muddled Mind. I'm not really the person I portray myself to be to any one particular person. There's not really anyone but me that I think sees the whole picture and that's the way I want it. I don't think I'm going to be putting up anything particularly earth-shattering here either. It's just that I want to be able to have a spot to post things I will never talk about.
I refuse to censor this. I'll just make another blog and keep on going if I have to. I refuse to deliberately keep updating this. This is where I'll be posting stuff I need to get out, when I need to get it out. I refuse to talk about anything I write here unless I want to. I'll just ignore it and walk away. Unless I want to, in which case I'll talk about it.
I will probably update Muddled Mind from time to time though. With stuff I want to say. Or get out. Or funny stuff. Or stuff I'm proud of. Or random bits of writing like my last post over there, which is character building and the like. I'll still update it. It's just that I have here now for my dreams. Or feeling lonely. Unless I want to talk about it, or make a cry for help. In which case I have a place for that. Sure, the alarm bells and klaxons might not get heard for months, but what the fuck do I care? I can talk to people if it's really bothering me.
No sign offs for me anymore. Just whatever I feel like saying.
Words.
I refuse to censor this. I'll just make another blog and keep on going if I have to. I refuse to deliberately keep updating this. This is where I'll be posting stuff I need to get out, when I need to get it out. I refuse to talk about anything I write here unless I want to. I'll just ignore it and walk away. Unless I want to, in which case I'll talk about it.
I will probably update Muddled Mind from time to time though. With stuff I want to say. Or get out. Or funny stuff. Or stuff I'm proud of. Or random bits of writing like my last post over there, which is character building and the like. I'll still update it. It's just that I have here now for my dreams. Or feeling lonely. Unless I want to talk about it, or make a cry for help. In which case I have a place for that. Sure, the alarm bells and klaxons might not get heard for months, but what the fuck do I care? I can talk to people if it's really bothering me.
No sign offs for me anymore. Just whatever I feel like saying.
Words.
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